Art and Love

I'm ecstatic. I'm in the right place that fills that empty space inside my heart full of happy zingy elements that makes me gasp and laugh ( I've been told for no apparent reason).

So this is what Love would be like. I'm in that place which caught me unawares. No, I didn't plan a vacation or a holiday that took me someplace exotic. I won't complain if someone wants to give me a holiday or take me on one. This place where I am now, It took a while coming and it finally arrived like a neatly wrapped package. I worked a long time to see this day coming. The day I finally called mine. I am exactly where I want to be. That's happy. Its a happy day. A brilliant one where I'm content to be me. I love me.

I have always loved Art. But only recently I realized how much I love it. I've been so lucky to be placed in a time and place that uses my creativity. I'm not there completely but I will be someday. Do you know that light bulb that switches on and you know...you just know that you were made for something bigger.

I've heard that sentence about a million times but I like to give it a twist " The universe conspires to give you exactly what you want." This morning I played ball, the throw-catch-throw kind. I realized not only do I have two left feet but my hands don't seem to have reflexes that match my brains command to "Catch". May be I should get some of the dog training they throw out in the park - for free, and fetch some flying Frisbee.

I don't live in my past anymore. All those things that weighed me down yesterday. I threw it out the window, and I've moved on to better and bigger things.

The Case of the Missing Blogger

I haven't just up and died on you. Don't be shy, I'm talking to you all my stalkers, invisible fans and more people who came across this page by accident.

What have I been doing with all my time?

Apart from finally settling on a job that I like and learning to cook finally. I haven't made any spectacular decisions or made some life-altering changes. The best part is I feel closer and more in line with my train of thought than ever before. That's more because I had a lot of time to introspect and drop my guard around people. And while I listen to http://youtu.be/6oKUTOLSeMM 'Hungry Eyes' I chew my pen thoughtfully as to what else can justify my disappearing act. I've come to realize I depend on no one but me to make me happy these days. There's just too much of happy zingy elements that emit out of me. How do I know? I feel the 'happy' vibes in me and they escape me in silly giggles for no apparent reason. I must look so foolish and love-sick to people that think it must be because I'm in love.

They won't be wrong there. I'm in love with Me. The true me who can't hold anything back and always seems to go the extra mile even if it's just to make someone smile. I feed on my strength and there's nothing that makes me more happy when I know I'm the reason someone feels good or comforted in some way. I know this might all come across as terribly boring but I've long ago decided that I don't move with the crowd. I stand out. Always have. Always will.

That can also be because I am insufferably sarcastic. I don't have a cap to that. It flows out of me like a river but I also make sure the recipient is someone truly deserving of my barbed hit. Oh how i've missed writing. I feel like it's been a physical pain inside me. Like a toothache that never goes away until you get it treated. Writing is my solace. My freedom. It's me and words, when they become one. It's just me performing a ballet with Mr.Word here and there until we finally settle on the perfect road map to take us through life.

I never knew Music could also be my solace at one point in time. But it is. Music that soothes me, mostly instrumental. I'm tired of listening to the kind that doesn't make sense. Take a wild guess on what kind I'm talking about.

Que Sera, Sera!

We've all been dealt with cards that might not be too appealing. The secret to getting through anything tough is to accept that it's over and you're going to move forward positively and with a stronger chip on your shoulder.

Love and Light to everyone out there. 

I couldn't have said it better

HOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED!

    
 

12 days into the New Year

My first post in the New Year.

First, let's take a bow and feel happy we are alive. SURPRISE ! The world didn't end in 2012!

I've been away making good of my time in the new year. I decided not to make a new year resolution, because I'm very good at breaking mine. So I've tricked myself into doing something that I didn't do last year. I decided keeping fit should take top priority. It isn't too bad. I've done well so far on that record.

After a few months sabbatical with no-job, no money and gloom. I shook myself awake and decided to get my act together. I reached out, got the help I needed and landed myself an interesting job. I've definitely got this now, 2012. The things that I carry into the new year from the last would be :


1) Honesty and Integrity

2) Beliefs and Opinions.

3) Sense of Humor plus a healthy dose of sarcasm when life squeezes me in a corner.

4)Ability to laugh at myself and get through difficult situations.

5) Independence and the inane wish to learn and grow, to soak up the best of everything.

6) Writing and Reading

7) Giving myself treats

Some things don't change. I learn things about myself everyday. I learn more about when I interact with people. Music is an important part of me, more in lyrics than in tune. But there are days of silence when even music doesn't heal. Although, it goes a long way in making me feel better.

It's day 13 today what have I learnt ?

I learn to show no weakness to people in authority. Also, it's fine to make mistakes but repeating them is an expensive commodity. Talking to people you don't like teaches you hard lessons. Making friends at parties goes a long way while networking yourself in a strange and foreign country. Investing in people and taking time to listen more and talk less helps only you.

Always picture yourself living alone, even if you're not and see if you can manage to live reasonably well. Sometimes that's a rude awakening. Everyone deals with set backs in different ways. I resort to anxiety and silence which isn't a good thing. But, I'm also strong enough to know that I bounce back on a positive note the next day. I'm still learning that every downhill run can be conquered by keeping your head high and steeling your heart against hatred and despair.

So, Cheers to 2012. May the beginning be a start to new ventures, learning, happy times and a lifetime of great memories. This time let's strive to get it right. And if we don't, don't beat yourself up.

Why I Love Men

I know I give all the women in my Life way too much importance that I tend to forget what all the men do( I can see all of you in my mind's eye saying - Don't we all.). So let me get this right. This is for all the men who have been a part of my life - My Father, Uncle, Brothers, Friends and ex- Boyfriends. I know I've taken all of you for granted because it's so so easy to communicate with a woman who shares my pain rather than you who don't understand why it is that I need to be crazy and teary, bright and bubbly, sarcastic and corny.

Here's to all my Men.

• It's your silence when I share a part of me, and even when you don't know how to react, being quiet is sometimes the best thing there is to offer as comfort.
• It's that masculinity though very annoying and inappropriate if you ask me to change my clothes a dozen times to please you, makes it endearing that you chose to be protective that way.
• It's when you snarl at other men gawking at me and shift closer to my side with a hand on my shoulder or waist.
• That smile in your eyes when you're proud of the way I talk you down in any argument or spar with words so it ends in a playful war of words and nothing else.
• It's also the small surprises and shy, awkward glances (on first dates usually) that don't come back, so you re-live it only in memories. 
• It's how you're interested in the friends I make and want to hear all the things we talk about just because you wonder what silly-girl talk is all about.
• It's how you assume responsibility of  being in the role of bread-winner so effortlessly.
• It's that easy - to - go attitude to take charge when things go wrong and put your best foot forward at times of a crisis.
• It's that absolute and passionate love - the way you do your thing.
• The way you walk your walk and talk you talk. Smooth Operator, alright.

Why do I love Men?

The easiest answer to that is that they constantly surprise me. It's their tenderness underneath all that hard exterior. If I find it hard to see through an angry man. A friend gave me a useful tip ' Imagine a hurt child in his place' and you're perspective changes completely.

Fear and Music.

I was reading this blog the other day. That's where I've been gathering all my inspiration from apparently. I think that's where most people derive their inspiration from - other people's blogs. I have this terrible and annoying habit of straying from a point verbally or written which is saying a lot. So back to reading that blog and she ( the Author) says after she writes a article is when she realizes it's so far away from the title. Taking a feather from her book or post in this case I'm leaving my title blank until after I'm done writing this.

Living with my Parents has it's ups and downs. Mostly it's downs and terrible down in the ground feelings. Not good when you're wallowing in that feeling. Today I realized I can do two things simultaneously, which is listen to the happiest music and still cry like a baby because I know my mind's trying to make me believe that I can get through it. But it's fooling me. It just is.

My whole life is changing and I don't think I'm ready for it. I don't want to be ready for it. Why? The next few years apart from being highly unstable financially makes it the aftermath of a world war in my head. Disaster!
I know it's going to be alright if I keep my wits around me but when I open my eyes the sudden change in my life baffles me.

Why now? Why couldn't it have been a few months earlier when I was earning reasonably well.

Sometimes life spring's the nastiest surprises on you. I was thinking If I sleep off a few 20 years will I wake up to a better life for myself or worse? I wish sleep could cure all my worries. If there ever was a sleep pill to rid the world of troubles I would pioneer it.

I'm scared of my uncertain future. I don't feel up to facing it. I won't spill some dramatic story of positiveness when today's the day I gave myself a vacation from my happy helium balloon. I don't like what sadness does to me. I look hard at myself and realize this is not who I was a year ago. I faced far worse and I could still laugh it off at the drop of a hat.

While I cried , I laughed at how foolish my little salty trails felt against my skin. And then the Music took me to a different place.

Christmas with Cartoon Network

Every Christmas as a child I would curl up on the sofa and watch Cartoons the entire day.Since there wasn't much to keep us entertained and watching TV was a novelty. We would get to watch only after home-work and sometimes never when our parents were home from work. So cartoons the whole day - Oh whoopi do!

Cartoons grew up too. Now everything on cartoon network is different and so are (obviously) show timings. But, I still remember my afternoon cartoons where I would watch Swat Kats, Dexter's Laboratory, Jonny Quest, The Mask, Scooby- Doo, The Adams Family...all in the right order. There is something about those old cartoons that has a little charm of it's own.

I always loved watching the Jetsons and the Flintstones, two families that require a whole section for description. My favorite episode is when both families time travel from space age to pre-historic stone age times and learn how things have changed.

On Christmas day all cartoons were dressed for the holiday and special episodes aired on Cartoon Network the entire day. Also one of the best things about cartoon network was that they stayed on 24 hours that day. On other days they reserve 12 hours to Cartoon Network and the rest was dedicated to TNT http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TNT_(TV_channel)

I love Christmas as you can see and I won't shut up about it very fast.

To be a reckless Teen again

After years of being away from home. I have returned to the place where I was born. It's different to say the very least. I now live with my parents and a younger brother who is in his teens.

My post is half-inspired by his antics and more of how everyone at home reacts to them. Not surprisingly, I'm the villain when taking his side when there are fights. Only now is when I realize the best thing to say is - nothing. It's fairly easy to take sides when you have been through the same battle with your parents and you see history repeat itself.

My mother delivers a deadly counter-attack when I step in during any controversy. Her golden words ' ....you won't really understand until you have your own kids.' Needless to say that puts a stop to my meddling to make things better and I slink away quietly into the other room to appear busy.

I have also noticed that everything and every minor flaw gets intensified and maximized around parents. I don't blame them. Who knew their 20-something-year-old daughter ( Age withheld because I want to appear mysterious) would come back to wreak havoc in their orderly lives?

To be a teenager again and love so completely without any holds and no exceptions. I just reminisce on those times. I ran into a class-mate from school and we both realized how much things have changed, and also how our features are so much better now than before.

It isn't that we are ugly as kids. Being in the terrible teenage years can be kind to some and a bitch to some. Mine was the latter. So now when people come up to me remarking on how 'different' I look. It doesn't faze me. I've seen them at their worst too (pimples, acne, weird hair-do included).

The difference is that I never dissed them at their worst.
 

Camouflage is nature's craftiest trick

 The new age of social media is a huge hit and grand success. Social media feeds of emotions we put into updating our status, gathering our friends, 'liking pages/comments/groups'. I started writing this post because I was watching a popular TV show " Dexter" and  the main character - Dexter (obviously) begins his episode by saying 'Camouflage is nature's craftiest trick'. Definitely something worth pondering over.

People in these times pretend to be happy. They manage to do that by fooling themselves into some false sense of security and using social media-their tool to happiness. I don't know what's worse, either they make their sorrow official by getting sympathy comments or they post pictures to ensure they let the world know how busy and full their social calendars are via twitter or more commonly used facebook.

For a regular user of all social applications myself. I know it feels like the pot calling the kettle black. But, give me some credit since I'm aware of my shortcomings and don't plead ignorance at the very least. We've made ourselves exhibitionists without even signing up for it.

Can I take off my Happy Mask now? 

The thing is who is going to notice and whether those who do, really care to know the reason behind it. Every time  I take a look around me there are walking zombies who are trying so hard to pretend their lives are better than others.

Also, who pretends to be happy? I know i'm missing some universal secret here but when I'm NOT happy I can't pretend otherwise.

 

Christmas Memories

It's that time of the year again. I started this post a long time ago and decided to wait until December to really get that warm, fuzzy feeling into words.

I haven't been at home for Christmas in years. It's just that either I've been travelling, in-between exams or working as of late last year and completely missed coming back to see my parents. Their life moved on as soon as me and my younger brother chose to study in a different country. I don't blame them but now that I'm back it's a bit sad to see how far apart you've really grown with your parents.

All my Christmases growing up as a kid in my parents' home included Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers and not until now when I returned home to listen to the same old recorded tapes is when it clicked what I've been missing all these years apart. All families have their own traditions, meals, carols, decorations and all the rest.

Ours wasn't a very huge affair now that I think back on it. But the little we did made us feel warm and loved. We didn't have a grand fire-place and expensive gifts being pulled out from the tree. That reminds me of one christmas that my dad decided that he just couldn't afford anything and bought us all 'remote-control' cars( me being the eldest with two younger brothers) The only thing a 13-year old girl child would feel is embarrassed and self-conscious when all eyes turn to watch her reaction after she opens it. I hid it well behind thick eyelashes and a temporary enthusiastic reaction.

Another Christmas was when my youngest brother- Neil wanted a bicycle and my Uncle and Dad took extra pains that year to make him believe that Santa still exists. They left the balcony door open because Neil wanted to know how Santa would climb into a flat with no fire-place/chimney. His shiny new bike was right there on the balcony that year. It was one of my most favourite memories of christmas at home.

The best thing about Christmas has to be the fact that no matter where you go you carry a carol in your heart. There are so many that no matter what you do it catches you unawares and you go humming it without realizing it.

Season's Greeting to Everyone !

As we welcome a New Year let's pray it brings us more joy, peace and love as the last.

Of all the things I need. I need you the most.

So it's like this. I have been feeling all kinds of worry. If there was a way I want to bring back just one person from the dead. But then I come across this whole concept of Parallel Universes. I have lost someone so dear to me that it breaks my heart that I can still imagine his voice in my head , the smell of his after shave and the loudness of his voice and the softness of his nature. The silence that signals absence is so loud. There isn't anything else that fills my head until I can't help but pay heed to it.

Wouldn't it be just lovely that we exist in different other places in the universe all at the same time. Here we are just existing and somewhere out there is another part of us existing differently. It can be happy/ sad time we're having with ourselves in those parallel frames. 

Have you had a conversation with someone in your head and truly believed that they are there, alive and solid somehow defying all the laws of heaven and hell. 

This is what I would tell you if i had to make a quick call to you in heaven/ whichever Universe you're still alive in...I would tell you...

I miss having to talk and tell you silly things that I can't tell anyone else. I want to go back in time and be crazy with you again. Just for that time to come back again when we all shared a meal together and spent every Christmas under a warm roof and Jim Reeves crooning carols. The days when everything was simple and running to you for encouragement and support wasn't thought of twice. If I knew that day was the last day I would see you smile and walk out the door, I would pull you back and never let you go.

I know somehow you're there walking beside me every step of the way when I need you. It's the warmth of your smile and the touch of your hand on my shoulder I feel when I stumble. It's the strength in my step when I know you're going to be proud of me, watching me from that perch on heaven's loftiest branch.

When the Cracks appear

• When in the lull of a conversation you find that only you have been doing all the talking .
• When everything you say gets mis-interpreted for something dark and ugly.
• When nothing you say or do can call a truce to any argument.
• When you get mistaken for a liar or something close to a traitor.
• When you see that he can't fit into your family because he wouldn't try.
• When every time you want to spend time with your family despite your best efforts he doesn't feel included.
• When there's more giving, less loving and nothing in return.
• When after every fight your the only one who wants to make up faster than you have had a fight.
• When you know that's he's taking advantage of you emotionally but you still give him full reign.
• When your friends try to tell you in silent ways that he isn't the one for you.
• When after all that has happened you are the one who wants to forgive but he can't and won't.
• When you realize that attraction is not a substitute for intimacy.
• When you look at old pictures and realize there's more that you wanted than just kisses and sex.
• When small gestures of love get taken for granted.
• When small gestures of love are met with indifference.
• When you feel your the only one making an effort to meet things half-way and he's not budging an inch.
• When most days you spend crying yourself to sleep or awake listing out all your faults.
• When you can take the distance and he can't because it's easier for him to let go.
• When frustration becomes a routine around him.
• When your waiting on a phone call (that never happens)saying he cares enough although you live in a different country.
• When he won't say goodbye as you leave the country because you couldn't spend your last minutes on a call/internet chat with him.
• When you hate to admit that although you have heard the Cliché time and again. 'Age' does matter.
• Immaturity doesn't always have something to do with age, he can be 90 but, behave like a 10-year old all the same.
• When he won't discuss his future with you .
• When he refuses to tell you if he makes plans that involve long travel.
• When you hope that he is going to surprise you with something thoughtful but he never does.
• While, when he is standing right next to you he pays better attention to people around you.( Yes, other Girls!)
• When compliments don't come easily to him when it's you. But it flows readily when it's another girl. 
• When he refuses to understand the need to make you feel special and cared for(anything really that sets you apart from the rest) , compliments and gifts aside.
• When he says you expect too much and justifies it by saying it's his first relationship.
• When he hates talking about his past or past relationships even after you have aired all your dirty linen.

The Universe conspires to give you what you want!

When we least expect it, the Universe gives us everything we ever wanted. Is it a conspiracy? Most definitely yes! The Universe is forever plotting to give us everything we desire. The key to getting it is pretty obvious.You just need to Ask for what you need, Believe that it has already been received and Thank the universe for sending it your way.

People are way too focused on things they need and rather than thinking of ways to get it. They want to moan about how life won't treat them fairly to just give them all they need. I was one of those people and I'm going to be re-reading this post of mine for a long time to remind myself to stop complaining. We have all heard everyone loves a secret and this one is the Ultimate secret. If you want to know what has made Oprah successful- this is what she has been promoting from the beginning of her show.

Oprah's motivation is to inspire people to take control of their lives. I'm not into too much of philosophy. But this theory is too simple not to follow. The funny part is all of us have been doing it and were never truly aware of it. Haven't we all at some point in our lives truly believed that something might truly work in our favor? It can be something as simple as craving a cinnamon donut, a dream job, a cruise into the wide open seas, an adventure sport or waiting on that one person who makes your heart beat one to the dozen.

Oprah- “they say you can have it, in fact you already hold the power to make that happen”. I have always loved that way of thinking. When you know you have the control to change your life. It's exhilarating. I never truly believed it until i began to manifest things into the universe. The positive feeling of knowing that you will receive the very best and the universe is plotting every possible way of getting it to you, gives me that feeling that I can conquer the world.

I read somewhere that a person with the right attitude can never be dissatisfied.

This is an orderly universe. Nothing happens by accident. The images you plant in your marvelous mind instantly set up an attractive force, which governs the results in your life. I love how that theory works. I try to put it into practice every single day of my life. I'm not saying it has immediate results and that I feel very happy to wait. But when things truly begin to move the way you want them to. There is nothing more rewarding than that feeling of pleasure you get because your the one that set those wheels moving.

Thank you, Universe.

Revenge isn't sweet when you are on the other end of the stick

    I find it hard to accept a break up gone wrong for all the silliest of reasons. For a while it's hard to shake of the feeling that something was amiss for a long time. But there is always that false hope that makes you want to go on and make things right. I think women feel more responsible to make things alright in a relationship, when they feel threatened in any way. It could be because at some point you realize that 'He's just not that into you' (For more on that, refer to my earlier posts). That's a moot point when you have convinced yourself so well that things are going to be alright you are shocked when the door hits you on your way out.
    I guess I had this a long time coming. And it's good to know what's on the other end of the spectrum. I now know how it feels like to have your heart crushed, stomped and had a merry-little-dance done all over it. It gives new perspective to the phrase "when you hit rock-bottom, there's only one way out and that's going up". So for all those of  you have been in similar or close-to situations. My heart bleeds for you. I do know how it is to be made a fool of  when you have given it more than your very best. It's time to sit down and reflect. You did do too much. You were in over your head and it's time to kick back and enjoy the fact that you really and truly deserved someone so much better. It's staring at you right in the face. The bitter truth not made so because it's what your willing to accept.
    But it has got to be a first that a guy dated me just for revenge. Just not to make himself look like a fool among friends whose opinions and feeling matter more than me. I'm glad it's over. I chose to ponder over it and I am a romantic at heart and nature. I can't risk not having an idealistic view on love and romance. It's who I am and will always be. So, Love will always be this warm and elusive romance that makes my head spin and my heart beat faster. It's just going to happen again but i also believe with the one person who would deserve it all.

When your Angry and you know it...

There is always that time when you lose control of all your emotions because you let anger take over you. I have befriended anger and bitterness for a long time now. They have kept me insane and on the par with people who don't know how to be anything but angry at life in general. I was considered the epitome of calmness and serenity in the family. More often than not I felt like the victim of any bad situation that befell me. This is a normal reaction. We always feel that bad things happen to just us. Everyone else's life seems perfect in comparison to ours. I did too no matter how many times i convinced myself otherwise.

Silence was my fortress. It protected me from everyone and anything around me. It's your only weapon when it comes to not reacting to any angry outburst. You can't really argue with someone who refuses to react to verbal abuse or physical violence. There are some of course who love to try and even succeed at proving how insufferably conservative they are in their approach to other people's emotions.It's taken me a long time to say and more importantly believe this but you gain an upper hand in any fight when you stay calm and think before you react to the person in front of you.

It's not always the right thing to do to embrace silence. I have had to stand up for myself on more than one occasion and it hasn't been all that bad. The key is to strike a balance in your head whether to speak up or just let it go. I always have two options in front of me. Do I follow the same down-trodden path that makes you want to shoot at someone or be the bigger person and walk out of it feeling like you climbed a mountain.
Sometimes I wonder whether dominance by someone else and submission by me is what I take for granted. I want to fight back but not the same way they do. I refuse to be the same person who looks  in mirror and counts more frown lines.

This is where I want to be. I want to be quiet, happy and calm away from everyone and anything that makes me blink twice to hide a tear.